...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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