6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need to calm my uterus...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
