When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize