I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
