Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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