You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
