my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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