Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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