If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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