I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
