just tell him i said nine months
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize