dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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