The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
