I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
