you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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