Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize