Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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