Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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