At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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