i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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