I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
