Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize