so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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