dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
