I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
