the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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