literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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