i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize