did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
my poor anus
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
