it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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