I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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