I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
sex in a hospital.. check
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
