There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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