Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
