i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
