Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
