Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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