one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize