I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
