I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize