What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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