That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
