If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
