u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
