Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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