I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You left your underwear on the fireplace
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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