It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Too much gin, very little bucket
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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