He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
