i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
