He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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