Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize