Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize