Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The best revenge is premature balding
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
