He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
