oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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