Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
