we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
