My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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