the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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