you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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