I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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