dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize