can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
