2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
